Men Who Abuse Women Shouldn’t Be Around Their Kids

In a society where Black women’s voices are often silenced or disregarded, the recent allegations by Keke Palmer against her ex-boyfriend, Darius Jackson, are a stark reminder of the pervasive issue of intimate partner violence within our community. Keke’s allegations brings into sharp focus not just the act of violence itself, but the complex and insidious nature of abusive relationships.

According to a recent report, Keke has been issued a restraining order against her ex, Darius Jackson, after lodging allegations of physical abuse, including a horrific incident where he allegedly choked and body-slammed her. However, despite these serious accusations, there’s a disturbing tendency for some within our community to side with the abuser, especially when the victim is a Black woman. In contrast, consider the recent allegations against Jonathan Majors, where a significant portion of the Black community rushed to defend the supposed white victim, despite a history of white women lying about being abused by Black men​​. The readiness of some to defend a Black man accused by a white woman, yet criticize a Black woman like Keke for speaking out against a Black man, is indicative of the deeply ingrained biases and misogynoir within our own community.

Research shows that Black men are often perceived as guilty by certain segments of society when accused by white women, yet when Black women claim they are victims of violence at the hands of Black men, the same segment of society often remains silent or even vilifies the Black woman​​. This double standard is not only unfair but also dangerous, as it perpetuates a cycle of silence and suffering for Black women who are victims of domestic violence.

Why is it that when Black women speak out about abuse at the hands of Black men, they’re often met with a barrage of skepticism and blame? It’s a troubling pattern: a Black woman speaks her truth, and instead of support, she’s bombarded with questions like, “Well, why did you stay?” It’s as if society’s first instinct is to doubt her, to dissect her decisions, rather than to confront the ugly reality of abuse she’s laying bare.

Black women are acutely aware of the uphill battle they face in being believed. This awareness often leads to hesitation in reporting abuse. Their silence is frequently not a choice but a strategic decision in navigating a system that often fails them. When contemplating whether to report their abuser, it’s not only the fear of retaliation they consider. It’s also the entrenched mistrust in a justice system tainted by racial bias. They find themselves in a dilemma where seeking help could ironically intensify the risks they face.

It’s high time we face the facts: our community, while it can be tight-knit and resilient, also harbors a reluctance to air our dirty laundry, especially when it comes to initimate partner violence. This isn’t just about protecting the image of the Black family; it’s about a deep-rooted suspicion of institutions that have historically failed and betrayed Black people. So, when a Black woman decides to step forward, to report abuse, she’s not just fighting her abuser; she’s going up against a whole history of systemic oppression.

When Darius publicly chastised Keke for her outfit choice at the Usher concert, it was a glaring red flag waving in our faces. This wasn’t just about fashion or a difference in taste; it was about control, about policing a woman’s body and choices under the guise of concern. It was a classic case of a man trying to dictate how a woman should present herself, a move straight out of the toxic masculinity playbook. This public condemnation was more than a personal preference – it was a public assertion of dominance, a subtle way of saying, “I decide what’s appropriate for you.” It was a warning sign of a deeper, more insidious need to control and undermine, indicative of the kind of behavior that often escalates behind closed doors.

And by the way, this isn’t a call to arms against Black men. This is about shaking up our community to face some hard truths. It’s about asking why we’re so quick to question and so slow to support. It’s about understanding that when a Black woman makes the brave decision to speak out, she’s doing so with the weight of history and a system stacked against her. Let’s start flipping the script. Let’s start supporting our sisters. Enough is enough.

And yes, as the title states, men who abuse women should absolutely have their parenting privileges taken away from them.This isn’t a suggestion; it’s a demand for the safety of both the women and their children. The title says it all, and it’s high time we took it seriously.

Imagine a scenario where a man who has been violent towards the mother of his child is still allowed to freely spend time with that child. Consider the profound message this sends. It implicitly teaches the child that violence is a tolerable aspect of relationships, merging love and fear in a dangerous mix. This not only normalizes such behavior for the child but also risks them accepting or replicating this conduct in their own future relationships. It’s a lesson no child should ever be exposed to or learn.

And let’s be clear, when we talk about taking away parenting privileges from men who abuse, it’s not about punishment. It’s about protection and responsibility. It’s about saying, “You’ve crossed a line that shakes the very foundation of what it means to be a parent.” Parenting is not just a right; it’s a privilege that comes with the responsibility of nurturing and protecting, not harming.

Let’s not forget the sinister game many abusive men play, particularly those with certain personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) (that word a lot of y’all use all willy nilly but know nothing about) and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). The American Psychiatric Association lays it out in the DSM-5: those with NPD are all about grandiosity, need for admiration, and most importantly, they lack empathy. This empathy deficit is key – it’s why these guys view their kids not as human beings with feelings and rights, but as chess pieces in their twisted game of control.

Now, flip the script to ASPD – this disorder’s hallmarks, as the DSM-5 points out, include a blatant disregard for others’ rights, coupled with manipulation and deceit. In the nasty world of domestic abuse, this translates into using kids as emotional weapons. Think about it: what better way to tug at a woman’s heartstrings or twist the knife deeper than to mess with her kids?

This is about more than just bad parenting; it’s a deliberate strategy. The National Domestic Violence Hotline talks about how abusive men weaponize custody battles and visitation to keep their grip tight on their victims. And it’s not just theory – a study in the Journal of Family Violence shows this in action. Abusive exes using visitation rights to harass their former partners, putting the kids in the middle, even turning them against the other parent.

At the end of the day, it’s not just about who gets the kids on weekends. It’s about recognizing a pattern of abuse that extends beyond the physical and emotional harm to the mother – it’s about the insidious ways abusers continue their control and manipulation, using their own children as pawns.

But let’s be clear: taking away parental privileges doesn’t have to be permanent. These men should have the opportunity to regain their parenting privileges, but only after they’ve demonstrated genuine effort to change. This means seeking help, going through counseling or therapy, and showing tangible, consistent changes in behavior over time. Rehabilitation and redemption should always be on the table, but not without a real commitment to change.

So, here it is – the raw truth, laid out straight, no chaser: When we talk about domestic violence in the Black community, it’s about time we stop tiptoeing around the real issues. The measures Keke and other Black women take to protect themselves and their children is about more than just broken hearts and bruised egos. It’s about a system that’s been failing Black women, about a community sometimes too silent, and about cycles of abuse that continue to repeat.

Black women are out here making the impossible choice between speaking out and staying safe, all while navigating a world that often looks the other way. So, let’s not just brush this under the rug with a shrug and a side-eye. It’s about standing up, speaking out, and shaking the very foundations of what we’ve come to accept. Enough with the excuses. It’s time for change, and it starts with us, right here, right now. Let’s get to work.

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